Mumbai

I don't believe in God, your Gods or Allah,
I don't believe you're killing to earn religious valour,
I hope that when your vestal virgins greet you when you're dead,
They're actually angry vengeful feminists instead.

Polly the Trolley-Dolly

It looked as though Polly was living the dream,
Travelling to places where most hadn't been,
But adventure and culture were lost on this girl,
As she rarely could leave the airport hotel,
Exhausted from clearing up other folk's sick,
And serving the people who thought she was thick,
And morons who'd talk through her demo and laugh,
At the end of the day, all she'd want is a bath,
So next time you're up in a coach in the sky,
And Polly's not smiling, now you know why.

Dimjit the mini-cab driver

Dimjit owned a mini-cab, he drove it without tax,
He didn't have a licence, but the council's checks were lax
So Dimjit had been driving people in his rusty car,
To pubs and clubs and supermarkets, christenings and bars,
Til he became the victim of a clear and precise theft,
Of his right-hand indicator, which kept him tuning left.

Frumpy Eve

Frumpy Eve was mega rich, but just just like a frump,
She wore outfits that old Grannies would have taken to the dump,
She chose elasticated waists and polyester mix,
Her wardrobe even Trinny and Susannah couldn't fix.

doctor's limerick

There once was a doctor from Crawley,
Who did not like to deal with the poorly
Unfair and unlawful,
His death-rate was awful,
So his patients all up'd sticks to Horley

Snotty Sarah

Snotty Sarah suffered from a constant runny nose,
Her nostrils filled with gunk, even after several blows,
She'd tried stuffing them with tissue and plugging them with corks,
She improved her general health with long and bracing walks,
No treatment seemed to help, so after three years full of worry,
she sold her salty nasal crust as seasoning for curry.

Campavaning Kevin

Kevin had a campavan, he'd built it all himself,
His doctor said the outdoors life would much improve his health,
He decked the van out beautifully, 'til it was a "home from home",
And had chosen very carefully which countries he would roam,
He'd packed everything a man would need in order to survive,
But overlooked one basic fact- Kevin couldn't drive

Sweaty-Pitted Pauline

"Pauline is no oil painting" people used to say,
But it wasn't just her ugly face that turned the men away,
Before her cross-eyed smile could scare most blokes out of their wits,
They were alerted to her presence by her foul and stench-filled pits.
But Pauline never gave up hope she'd one day find romance,
And sure enough our heroine found love with Jim Stinkpants
Society dismissed this smelly Romeo and Juliet,
But no-one could deny the strength of love based on stale sweat.

Andrew Loves Phil Collins

Andrew loved Phil Collins, he'd shaved his head since he was five,
He'd saved three years worth of pocket-money just to see him live,
He bought Phil's shoes on ebay, bound his feet so they would fit,
Made a drum kit out of saucepans to thrash out all his hits,
When he sold his parents campavan to buy Phil's golfing glove,
He said, as explanation "ours is a groovy kinda love".