Noel and Noeleen

Noel and Noeleen Winter loved this time of year,
On the 1st of December, they'd get out all the gear,
The baubles and the tinsel would come down from the loft,
The mince pies, nuts and chocolate logs would be bought in bulk and scoffed,
They'd play party games and quizzes every night after their tea,
And leave a glass of milk and cookie out on Christmas Eve,
Because thinking of Father Christmas going hungry made them sad,
You see, at 44 years old, Noel and Noeleen were quite mad.

Strange Susan

Strange Susan was a social misfit, generally dubbed as "odd",
At school she had no friends and was always on her tod,
At work she had no invites to the Friday girls' night out,
And the men would show no interest in a girl with "nowt to flout"
But Susan didn't care, she had other things to do,
Because Susan had a virtual life online as "Cyber Sue",
Cyber Sue was a crime-fighting single mother with a past,
Who sought justice through her drop-kicks and went through lovers hard and fast,
Without her online exploits Susan could not survive,
This was her existence, this was her real life

Camilla Commonsense

Ironically, Camilla Commonsense was rather dumb,
She couldn't tell the difference between oranges and plums.

Betty Balm Cake

Betty Balm Cake loved a bun, she'd bake them all day long,
Some loved her strange ingredients, some said "that's just wrong",
She was no traditionalist when it came to baking stuff,
She tried all different flavourings, like banana skin and fluff,
Twigs and Fairy Liquid replaced chocolate drops and jam,
But Betty's all-time favourite was lemon-curd and spam.

The Thriftys

The Thriftys were a careful bunch, they liked to save a penny,
When it came to Christmas cheer, they'd rarely give you any,
When passing by a shop's display of toys, young thrifty moaned,
Mum Thrifty's heart began to melt, "son, we'll make our own",
So back at home they got to work on making Christmas fayre,
They baked sweet treats and mulled spiced wine and sewed new clothes to wear,
On Christmas morn the children woke to presents at their bed,
And though they smiled at all their gifts, they'd hoped for Wiis instead.

Mumbai

I don't believe in God, your Gods or Allah,
I don't believe you're killing to earn religious valour,
I hope that when your vestal virgins greet you when you're dead,
They're actually angry vengeful feminists instead.

Polly the Trolley-Dolly

It looked as though Polly was living the dream,
Travelling to places where most hadn't been,
But adventure and culture were lost on this girl,
As she rarely could leave the airport hotel,
Exhausted from clearing up other folk's sick,
And serving the people who thought she was thick,
And morons who'd talk through her demo and laugh,
At the end of the day, all she'd want is a bath,
So next time you're up in a coach in the sky,
And Polly's not smiling, now you know why.

Dimjit the mini-cab driver

Dimjit owned a mini-cab, he drove it without tax,
He didn't have a licence, but the council's checks were lax
So Dimjit had been driving people in his rusty car,
To pubs and clubs and supermarkets, christenings and bars,
Til he became the victim of a clear and precise theft,
Of his right-hand indicator, which kept him tuning left.

Frumpy Eve

Frumpy Eve was mega rich, but just just like a frump,
She wore outfits that old Grannies would have taken to the dump,
She chose elasticated waists and polyester mix,
Her wardrobe even Trinny and Susannah couldn't fix.

doctor's limerick

There once was a doctor from Crawley,
Who did not like to deal with the poorly
Unfair and unlawful,
His death-rate was awful,
So his patients all up'd sticks to Horley

Snotty Sarah

Snotty Sarah suffered from a constant runny nose,
Her nostrils filled with gunk, even after several blows,
She'd tried stuffing them with tissue and plugging them with corks,
She improved her general health with long and bracing walks,
No treatment seemed to help, so after three years full of worry,
she sold her salty nasal crust as seasoning for curry.

Campavaning Kevin

Kevin had a campavan, he'd built it all himself,
His doctor said the outdoors life would much improve his health,
He decked the van out beautifully, 'til it was a "home from home",
And had chosen very carefully which countries he would roam,
He'd packed everything a man would need in order to survive,
But overlooked one basic fact- Kevin couldn't drive

Sweaty-Pitted Pauline

"Pauline is no oil painting" people used to say,
But it wasn't just her ugly face that turned the men away,
Before her cross-eyed smile could scare most blokes out of their wits,
They were alerted to her presence by her foul and stench-filled pits.
But Pauline never gave up hope she'd one day find romance,
And sure enough our heroine found love with Jim Stinkpants
Society dismissed this smelly Romeo and Juliet,
But no-one could deny the strength of love based on stale sweat.

Andrew Loves Phil Collins

Andrew loved Phil Collins, he'd shaved his head since he was five,
He'd saved three years worth of pocket-money just to see him live,
He bought Phil's shoes on ebay, bound his feet so they would fit,
Made a drum kit out of saucepans to thrash out all his hits,
When he sold his parents campavan to buy Phil's golfing glove,
He said, as explanation "ours is a groovy kinda love".